I have a few specific topics I’ve been wanting to discuss, but as I sit down to post, it occurs to me that I have become very apathetic in the last few days to many things. Perhaps a better way to say it is, I just feel tired; not in any physical sense; but mentally, emotionally, and spirtually very much so. I just am ever becoming more and more alienated from the society I live in and the culture of Christianity in America. Nearly everything around me seems wasteful, petty, crass, overdone and self-centered and just wrong. I’m tired of the standards that we all feel we need to live up to; the things we think we need to have; the careers; the place to live. It all seems so self-promoting and meaningless to me right now. I’m tired of the way Christianity is represented in this country. I’m tired of the duality of it. We talk about following Christ and loving God which should be about being loving and selfless, but in the end it ends up being manipulative and glossy and about self-improvement. And then all the talking heads continually remind me why America is so great…How I can achieve my goals and dreams and be successful in the same sentence as “this is a great Christian nation.” I’m sorry, but I don’t see Christ in the American dream. I’m tired of so much talk and lip service about everything…When I read the Bible I’m just like “this country is so far from this…I am so far from this. I have never done this. I have no faith at all.” Where is there room for faith and really truly following Christ in our culture? Maybe most of us are far too comfortable in this country to genuinely feel the need for God and have faith. In my experience, many churches don’t operate by faith. Many churches operate like any other American business and churches are shaped by American culture and competing with it rather than the other way around. I’m extremely tired of the games of politics and taking sides and the way the news media does little more than promote gossip. I’m tired of thinking about money; about my success; about myself in general…any of this. I want to just shutout all the praises of capitalism and the American dream and somehow live a completely selfless life of service and see Christians live in loving community again sharing all we have and living by faith.

I think I’m at the very turning point of my life. Where I’m saying, “OK God, I don’t feel or see You right now anywhere that I’m told I should. I don’t know if I love you or how to, but I know that I do believe and that I need you.” I don’t want to talk about anything anymore. I just want to figure out how to live all this out, and why everything feels so wrong to me all the time; I guess more than anything, I’m tired of assumption and dishonesty and keeping up appearances. I’m just desperate for a change in myself and for new perspective. I can’t do what I’ve done for 24 years anymore. I want to work hard and do something helpful and constructive and not care about my social status. I want to fight comfort and arrogance and be more honest with others and myself . I want to learn how to truly love and give up everything.

I haven’t carefully thought through writing all this so please forgive my ranting and cynicism…I’m just so tired of all this and disgusted with myself and with selfishness and I can only see everything that is wrong with our society most of the time. I know that not everything is wrong and there are great churches and organizations out there and people who reflect the love of Christ. I guess I’m just growing up and facing life and big decisions and so maybe all this is natural, but I think I’m also just waking up to what’s real and what’s not and I want what is real and what matters, and so I’m having to cut all this cultural influence off of me. Maybe I’ll come back to this when I have done some more thinking. Comments? Thoughts?

“give me love over this…”